More to Laugh At

Unemployed is such a negative word, but since I've been sans job, I've been able to hone my skills in cooking, sleeping in and watching reality TV while snuggling with my dogs. Sounds like a lot for one person to take on, I know, but I'm making it.

I've been able to fully commit to the saga of the Bachelorette, spend an entire day devoted to questioning Jackie's gaydar on Playing It Straight, and wishing that PC would just come out of the closet already on NYC Prep. It has also allowed me to take a page from [redacted] and provide you with a pseudo-live blog of one of the most anticipated (ok, anticipated by me) shows on prime time television this summer: More to Love.

Basically, this fat guy is wookin pa nub and has finally realized that he may have to start dating within his own kind. Hence, these lovely ladies who have more cushion for the reality show.

The first episode aired on Tuesday, July 28, 2009 (happy birthday to me!) on Fox.

Let's get started. I've included minute markers just incase anyone else who is sans job would like to follow along. Otherwise, use my observations as key points so you don't actually have to watch the show. Like Cliffs Notes except there won't be a quiz at the end of the blog.

0:00- 2:22- Sob story after sob story of being rejected by men for skinnier girls and wanting to have "that love story".

2:23- We're introduced to Luke Conley, a 26 year old, self-proclaimed thrill seeker with 6-figures (as in money, not weight... I think) who is looking to add excitement to his dating life. What better way to add excitement than to sign up for a scripted show on Fox! Genius.

2:55- Cue Luke's sob story which ends with him saying "F*ck it! I like to eat and my story isn't sad enough for me to give a shit to diet." Well, basically that's what he means.

3:48- Luke shares his philosophy with us: "Life's too short to be counting calories." I don't know, Luke. Maybe if you weren't eating whole sides of beef your arteries wouldn't be struggling and life wouldn't be so short. But who am I to judge?

4:29- We meet Emme, a plus sized model who does not look one bit plus sized. Ugh.

4:50- Luke claims he does not have a type and that all women are beautiful. In layman's terms he's saying he's desperate.

5:15- The ladies emerge from a limo. At first I find it odd that only a few come out before they move onto the next limo. On The Bachelor, those things seem like a freaking clown car with almost all 20 women pouring out. Can they not fit more than thr- ohhhhh.

7:06- If there are any feminists watching this show, they are going to get a kick out of Bonnie: a tatted-up June Cleaver who discusses wanting to use her "wifey mom skills" to bake a man a pie.

Side note: there is a shocking theme going on here- none of these women went to their prom.

9:34- We meet Natasha, an actual Rocket Scientist who then giggles like an idiot. Come on, Natasha, don't be nervous. Dating is simple. It's not... rocket science? Too easy.

10:10- I want to punt Lauren but I don't want to hurt myself.

10:30- Vanessa tries to play coy and say that as soon as she saw Luke she knew he was into curvier girls. As soon as she saw Luke or as soon as she signed up for the show called More to Love.

10:56- Cut to a scene of the women in the living room chatting about how totally dreamy Luke is. I notice something strange going on in the background. Something I've never seen happen on The Bachelor: a guy passing around hors d'oeuvres and the women actually eating them!

12:01- I spy man jewelry (one of my biggest pet peeves) as Luke puts his hand on Mandy's waist when she starts an impromptu salsa lesson.

12:14- Wait... what? Mandy is a fitness trainer. I'm confused.

12:37- Tally is beautiful. There- my quota for saying one nice thing is filled. Let's continue.

12:48- Kristian: this bitch is 12 years old- I'm sure of it. Hold on Luke, the show isn't called More to Love for a Registered Sex Offender.

13:45- We meet Arianne, who pronounces her name like Hitler's favorite race. Heil!

Another side note: we are only 13 minutes in and I am already sick of this shit. Are you even still reading?

14:08- Not only a scary movie but a pretty scary moment as Sandy saunters up with her bra completely exposed. You are not Carrie Bradshaw!

14:17- I nearly die laughing as Sandy says with her bra exposed, "I'll have to teach you how to milk a cow sometime." TOO EASY!

15:33- Natalia, does that dress come in my size? Ah, two nice things. I'm on it now!

17:12- Luke announces to the ladies that he'll be giving each of them a diamond ring to symbolize his promise to them. Like... a promise ring? Bah.

18:15- I realize I don't give a f*ck about this post anymore. It was a good effort.